Published Writings
One of the tenets of being a successful writer is not only knowing when and where to say what, but how to say it. The folks in the corner offices of the world call this sort of thing "knowing your demographic," and by this point I've become pretty clear on the concept.
So, here's a dog's breakfast of links to — and excerpts from — work I've done for a host of publishers and Web sites. Voices and audiences vary, as does subject matter (wilderness hiking, bad R.E.M. albums, mayonnaise, etc.). But hopefully, like that guy once suggested, the song remains the same.
Feature Pieces |
Food Descriptions |
Restaurant Reviews |
Place Descriptions
Marketing Copy |
Music Reviews |
High School Essays
I Become a Better Citizen (Osmosis, 2009)
A six-part travelogue about a 48-mile hike I undertook through a particularly remote area of Yosemite National Park — and my story of getting there from San Francisco (and back) entirely via transit.
Blocker (SFist.com, 2007-2008)
My regular series on exploring San Francisco on a granular level, block by specific block. I researched, wrote, photographed, and produced over 40 such pieces for popular news and culture site SFist.com.
Burrito Obscuro (San Francisco Bay Guardian, 2005)
A tour of San Francisco's unlikeliest taqueria locations, as it appeared in the city's longtime alternative weekly.
Superlative Slabs of the Aughts (Burritoeater, 2010)
An ultracondensed compendium of the best and worst burritos encountered by Burritoeater.com's "esteemed judges panel" (ie. yours truly) throughout the 2000s.
Cake Mix (ChefsBest, 2009)
When Pillsbury took home a ChefsBest's Best Taste Award in 2009, I covered the event with this deeply detailed breakdown of what makes a great cake mix — and what makes a bad one.
Mayonnaise (ChefsBest, 2009)
Along those same lines, I can honestly say I've written authoritatively on mayonnaise.
El Faro (Burritoeater, 2003-2010)
"We've had it on real good authority for quite some time that El Faro's original proprietor, Febronio Ontiveros, commissioned construction of the first super burrito on Tuesday, September 26, 1961, and we all know where the man's visionary concoction led us."
Just For You (The Rough Guide to San Francisco and the Bay Area, 2009)
"One of San Francisco's true gems, this out-of-the-way destination produces some of the finest, fluffiest (and largest!) beignets outside of New Orleans — take home an extra, all slathered in powdered sugar, for a dollar and change. All breads are homemade (try the raisin cinnamon toast), while the enormous pancakes are the stuff of legend. Service can be as sassy as some of the signs around the place ('We reserve the right to pour coffee on your cell phone; please put it away'). Most everything's under $10. Breakfast and lunch only."
Southwest Colorado (The Rough Guide to the USA, 2009)
"The richly varied landscape of southern Colorado ranges from the grassy, farm-rich plains of the state's sparsely populated southeast to the San Juan Mountains in the southwest region, of which vibrant Durango is the beating heart. Mineral riches brought in the land's original white settlers (first illegally, but eventually supported by the U.S. government), who drove the Ute people away into the poorer Four Corners region of Colorado's far southwest. North of Durango, the dramatic San Juan Skyway completes a loop of over 200 miles through the mountains. This stretch of road north of Durango, negotiating its way through stunning alpine scenery, is known as the Million Dollar Highway for the supposedly gold-laden gravel that was used in its construction; it passes over multiple 10,000-foot-plus summits and through the picturesque mining villages of Silverton and Ouray."
Bay Area Swimming Holes (The Rough Guide to San Francisco and the Bay Area, 2009)
"These Bay Area swim spots offer the best warm-day alternatives to crashing pool parties in suburban back yards or being sucked undersea by swirling ocean currents...."
Apron with Great Mustache logo (Burritoeater Merch Bazaar)
"Accessorize that $600 backyard grill with some sharp-looking protectivewear, at a mere fraction of said grill. Baste pork with confidence! Balmy weather and tongs not included."
Throw pillow with Great Mustache logo (Burritoeater Merch Bazaar)
"Arm yourself for battle when that colossal pillow fight breaks out at your next sleepover. Also serves as a patient listener in the wee hours."
Excerpt of review of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas soundtrack (MP3.com)
"It's not that some of the older fare here isn't up to snuff, for it's tough to top James Brown's ferocious revenge anthem 'The Payback' or The Ohio Players' sweaty 'Funky Worm.' But 'Barracuda'? 'Two Tickets to Paradise'? Come on. At the liquor cabinet of classic rock, tracks like these are the barnyard hooch you're better off not drinking."
Excerpt of review of R.E.M.'s Around the Sun (MP3.com)
"Around the Sun sounds like a rewrite of its 2001 predecessor, Reveal, which itself was a pulseless way to spend a listening hour. It's clear to anyone who's been paying attention since former drummer Bill Berry rode off into the sunset in 1997 that R.E.M. has chosen to permanently switch off the rock-it launch on its recording console. But the real tragedy is the songwriter's droop that has apparently set in on the veteran band. On 1992's Automatic for the People, the band turned down the volume considerably and yet proffered all-timers like the gorgeous 'Nightswimming' and the brooding 'Drive'; today, we get month-old breadsticks like Around the Sun's 'Wanderlust' and 'Aftermath.'"
Excerpt of review of Centro-matic's South San Gabriel Songs/Music (All Music Guide)
"Centro-matic's fifth album recalls the nervous anticipation that comes between snowstorms in the high plains, imploring the listener to get out for some 20-degree fresh air while you can before the next 16 inches arrive. The tension-filled mood peaks on the penultimate track 'Innocence Kindly Waits,' a lovely, barbiturated waltz punctuated by Scott Danbom's screaming fiddle. The gently strummed epilogue 'Destroyer' foreshadows the imminent snowstorm, just as the album's opening sounds of staccato typewriter keys on 'Ninety Secretaries Down' hint at the tempered calm ahead. South San Gabriel Songs/Music paints the most beautifully grim picture imaginable, as these atmospheric, wintry songs suggest that sometimes nothing feels so warm as the cold air on the back of your neck."
My Least Favorite Pastime: Cleaning Venetian Blinds (Justin-Siena High School, 1988)
Assigned to write my first essay in Honors English III on the activity I dread most, I turned this task into opportunity, grumbling comedically (for a kid, anyway) about a tedious domestic chore my mom annually handed down to me. Result: a perfect grade of 50 on the essay, and a newfound outlet for teen angst. Hooray for writing!